In March I set a goal to journal daily for 30 days. It was just for me. I had zero intention of sharing the contents of my journal with posterity. I think I just wanted to hear the sound of my own voice. I wanted to better understand myself. I decided to do it first thing in the morning so I set my alarm for 5:30am because that would usually give me a half hour before R woke up. That time became sacred. I would stumble out of bed, bleary eyed, make a cup of Perk and sit down on the couch with my laptop. Some mornings I felt pretty empty, but most mornings I would pour out the contents of my brain onto the screen as I blinked life into my eyes. I wrote to-do lists. I wrote about the happenings of the day before. I wrote about cute things R did or said. But mostly I tried to write the truth. I wrote about my fears. I wrote about my bravery. I wrote my shameful thoughts that tried to stay hidden even from my own consciousness. I wrote my hopes. I wrote the ugly feelings. I wrote the beautiful ones too.
As I’m writing now, this journal that I started in March is now up to over 105k words. It is wide-ranging and wild, like the frontier of my soul. I have attempted to be completely unrestrained here. There are things I want to say to the world and things I can barely utter to myself. There are paragraphs of raw and searching prose and stanzas of freeform poetry. I have lists of ideas for the future and memories carved from my past.
It is the most complete representation of who I am in this moment. The clearest and most honest portrait. I have precisely manifest myself into the characters of this document. It is reckless and sensual and mundane and sensible. It races with intrusive and ruminating thoughts. It heaves with the brightest and darkest emotions. And it is the single, most-profound endeavor in internal discovery and creativity that I have taken on, because through it, I am starting to understand my relationship with myself.
So I say to you, who feel the call to create something outside of yourself, to risk exposure…Please. Start. Now.
step 4. i loved my 12 step group because it was raw, real and truthful. everything on the table. and there was so much good in knowing even with all i was/wasn’t/am, God is still here. and with all that truth, there was/is the presence of his Spirit.
I love that! I’ve been surprised by how closely I have identified with people who struggle with addiction. I think it comes down to staying in the light. Addiction thrives in the dark. So does shame. Freedom is allowing all the parts of ourselves to live in the light ❤️❤️❤️