Forget Happiness!

Last year I gave up on happiness and decided to start enjoying my life.  That’s right–forget happiness! And it’s been good.  I found peace in thoughts like, I get to live such a rich life.  Rich, alluding to the contrast.  And when I stopped trying to run down happiness, I had more space to notice…

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Colored arrows pointing to black circles

We look at the pet scan which shows a shadowy outline of my body containing the darkened shapes of liver, brain, kidneys, bladder (pee pee is funny :).

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Resilience to Cancer? Finish Your Shower

The results are in!  If you’ve been following the chronicles of my life here, you know I recently got concerned about some symptoms (read here). I called my endocrinologist.  She ordered blood tests to check levels of catecholamines and metanepherines. These are substances that pheochromocytomas can make.  When they do, it results in episodic hypertension,…

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Seasonal allergies or cancer?

Right now I have a paraganglioma in my right neck.  It’s called a carotid body tumor because it is wrapped around the carotid artery at the point where the artery splits to provide blood supply to my face and my brain.  I had tumor removed from the same location on the left side in 2005. …

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Put your arms down!

As I stood in warrior II with my arms resting by my sides, I was overcome with respect and humility toward my body. MY BODY! Which is such an amazing tool for all the things I love.

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I am not strong because…

Why are you strong, brave, resilient or inspiring? Hint: It has nothing to do with what’s gone wrong in your life.

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All things are true

A few weeks ago, after I wrote the post How to start feeling, I asked my therapist, “Do we ever stop numbing?  I mean, is there some transcendental state that is attainable where we never numb our feelings again?  Is that even possible?  Is even that the goal?”   I’m not going to try to…

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Waking up

I’m just waking up this morning.  I heard River get up out of bed and walk through the house.  Then he climbed back into bed, ate a little dry cereal from the bowl he requested last night and he’s been quiet for a while now.  I have been mulling over this question of how to…

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The unsinkable cork

This morning I woke up early.  Like 2:30am.  I have a cold so this was a mix of sinus congestion, jitteriness from Sudafed (for the sinus congestion) and my freaking unstoppable mind.  Whenever this happens I hear the voice of Dr. Fleisher, the last psychiatrist I worked with, in my head, “Early morning awakening should…

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I am still here

I made it home and I’ve been plunged back into my life of routine.  I am caring for my son, working, working out, responding to requests for help related to church, and running my household.  It’s been a little overwhelming.  The NIH experience, in some ways, felt like a monastic retreat.  I was able to…

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