Sometimes I can’t feel god. I used to think this was because of something I had done. That god had withdrawn from me. I learned in church that god cannot dwell in unholy places so I assumed if I couldn’t feel god then something unholy was going on inside of me. I felt shame about … Continue reading The Marco Polo Prayer
I used to pray, as a matter of routine, to be wise. When I was married I think it was summing up something like this: “Please let me figure out how to do enough right things. Please help me to be smarter. Please help me think my way out of this hell. Please help me … Continue reading Oh please, let me be wise
Last year a wise friend said to me, “Michelle, it’s okay to hope for good things.” I’ve spent most of my adult life releasing hope as a means of protecting myself from disappointment. It’s actually a very efficient way to make oneself disappointed. I now call it pre-disappointed. It happens when I decide I will … Continue reading The golden cord
I read an article recently that suggested that when anxiety appears, you have a conversation with it. Being the eager guinea pig that I am, I decided to give it a try and it was really helpful. At the risk of revealing my inner crazy, I’m sharing it here. Me: I think there are two … Continue reading Hello, Anxiety. Who are you exactly?
I have wanted to write more about my wrestle with my faith, but it feels very vulnerable. I am going to try to do that today and I hope, as readers, you will remember my post about the wound that is still healing. I am in the middle of healing this wound, maybe even at … Continue reading Removing cages
I made it home and I’ve been plunged back into my life of routine. I am caring for my son, working, working out, responding to requests for help related to church, and running my household. It’s been a little overwhelming. The NIH experience, in some ways, felt like a monastic retreat. I was able to … Continue reading I am still here
Because experience seems to be the best teacher, let me start there. I’ve written a lot about listening to the still, small voice or finding the knowing. I’ve considered how to find that voice and I’ve been intentionally experimenting with it this past couple of months. My mind has been pretty hectic this week. My … Continue reading One million tiny, ignored desires