That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • The luxury of play

    Torrey Pines has become a holy place to me.  I’ve made it a routine stop on my way back from dropping R at his dad’s house.   I get out of my car and smell the bushy plants of the coast and the estuary.  It reminds me of the smell of the sage brush in Read More

  • There is beauty in the wobble.

    Saul was one of the first patients in San Diego to scream at me.  I remember the first time seeing him.  I went into the field with my nurse to see patients in their homes.  We came to his independent living facility (ILF), which was house in a poorer neighborhood in San Diego.  I followed Read More

  • Our Lady of Chains

    In December, after hearing Cheryl Strayed speak at UCLA, I considered what might feel like prayer for me (See Walking is a Prayer).  The piano came strongly into my consciousness.  I took lessons from age 8-15.  I have always felt that I should be MORE accomplished with the piano than I am so when I Read More

  • Light and shadow

    When I was in Hawaii last week, I visited Painted Church or, more properly, St. Benedict’s Catholic Church.  It’s a scenic, little-white-church tucked away in the greenery south of Kona and worth a quick stop.  The church is famous for the murals covering the walls and ceiling, painted by Father John Velghe, an untrained folk Read More

  • Open Hands. Open Heart.

    I believe that for two emotionally healthy people, love and integrity are enough.  I believe those two things can bridge idealogical differences, extended family problems, money issues, illness.  Because two emotionally healthy people will own their own shit.  They will have the strength to be honest even when it is painful, motivated by a deep Read More

  • Day Six: Intention for the Dirty Muddy Pig Year

    Sleepy Saturday is a good way to describe the last day in Hawaii.  We sleep in later than usual after our late night of dancing.  We pick up some interesting donuts from a Holy Donuts in Kona—our favorite was the lilikoi (passionfruit) meringue.  We relax on the seawall watching swimmers follow the buoy-marked path that Read More

  • Day Five: Swimming in that soul river

    I am up with the sun at 7am.  Cass and I have planned to snorkel the Captain Cook Monument today.  With optimism, we attach a couple of other potential plans on the back end of that so we rush around and load all the needed equipment, provisions and clothing into a laundry basket to haul Read More

  • Day Four: I can’t help but laugh at my good fortune

    It’s 2am.  My body feels exfoliated from the elements, slightly tight from exertion.  I’m sitting outside on the deck of my next AirBnB in Kona.  It’s quiet, nestled into the city surrounded by apartments and houses, except for the gentle white noise of the AC.  I got about four hours of sleep before I became Read More

  • Day 3: No, no! A Camaro is fine

    Tonight as I’m writing this (and every night) the coqui frogs and cicadas are singing their songs over the distant sound of waves crashing onto the rocky cliffs below.  The spiders are positioned in the center of their elaborate webs.  A few stars are glinting overhead but mostly it is intensely dark. The place I’m Read More

  • Day 2: I move mountains

    Last night, I arrived back to my guest suite at 7:30pm.  I took a shower.  I really needed it.  My legs were caked with mud in spots.  My hair hadn’t been washed for four days and was stiff from the salt water.  I was exhausted but it was the best kind of tired—the physical tired Read More