That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • Day One: Determined to save the only life you could save

    Right now I’m sitting, wet bum in the volcanic sand, watching the waves and the clouds roll in.  I’m alone except for the sand crabs.  They range in size from teeny-tiny to about six inches.  They dig holes in the sand and then venture in and out of them.  If you startle them, they sprint Read More

  • F*ck it. Write the book.

    Last July I was out for one of my nightly walks with R in the stroller and the stars and jets and helicopters twinkling overhead.  I imagine I was probably listening to a Dear Sugars podcast and soaking in the thick, night air.  I was texting with a friend and I commented on how I Read More

  • “Walk without a stick into the darkest woods.”

    In Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Life and Love from Dear Sugar there is a letter from a man who signs himself as “Beast with a Limp.”  He writes that he has been disfigured by a blood disorder that he has been dealing with since childhood.  He writes that there is no way to remedy Read More

  • Oh please, let me be wise

    I used to pray, as a matter of routine, to be wise.  When I was married I think it was summing up something like this: “Please let me figure out how to do enough right things.  Please help me to be smarter.  Please help me think my way out of this hell.  Please help me Read More

  • Resolutions

    Things I want to spend time doing: Moving my body Writing Connecting with God Connecting with R Connecting with family and friends Making a positive impact with my psychiatry work Ways I want to show up: Wholehearted With integrity With love With courage Things I am willing to do:  Feel grief Feel lonely Feel tired Read More

  • I keep identifying with lesbians

    This was a text I got from my insightful and decidedly heterosexual sister a few weeks ago.  It made me laugh! I’ve had the same thought and I’ve held it with some curiosity.  This is not a coming out post!  Still firmly hetero (for any available intensely awesome male partners anyone might know).  Here’s my Read More

  • Hold Out Your Hand

    I’ve been writing a lot this past week but it’s been pretty scattered.  I’ve had a hard time corralling it into something that resembles a coherent post.   Last night as I laid down to go to sleep, I thought about the morning.  Mornings are hard lately.  I wake up too early and usually with a Read More

  • The unsinkable cork

    This morning I woke up early.  Like 2:30am.  I have a cold so this was a mix of sinus congestion, jitteriness from Sudafed (for the sinus congestion) and my freaking unstoppable mind.  Whenever this happens I hear the voice of Dr. Fleisher, the last psychiatrist I worked with, in my head, “Early morning awakening should Read More

  • “Stay awake! Stay with us!”

    On Friday I was about ready to leave for work when my nurse ran into my office for gloves and sprinted down the hall.  Running in our environment is never a good sign so I grabbed some gloves and ran after her asking why we were running.  A man was collapsed in front of the Read More

  • Floating like a rabid ghost

    There are a million reasons NOT to publish and only one reason TO publish. That reason is the commitment I made to myself to write and to be seen and not to worry about whether it was any good or not.  I’m not sure how this phase of the divorce/grieving/soul-splitting process is supposed to feel.  Read More