That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • Silent One

    Hello, Silent One. Silence for weeks and for months, Imagined with a crevasse of compassion. And now that I have beheld Your unyielding form, I understand. You, at your core, are not uncaring, But your silence is. In my first life, If I learned nothing else, It is that silence has no room for Heat Read More

  • Here’s to another year of climbing!

    One of the last conversations I had with my Grandma Whipple was while we were standing in her kitchen.  I had stopped by their house on my way to or from someplace for a quick hello.  Grandma and Grandpa Whipple’s house was always quiet and relaxed.  I would stop in at an hour too late Read More

  • Mary

    It’s a striking contrast to leave the lively, bright Christmas Eve party and return to my quiet apartment with my sleeping child, unable to delay his slumber over the excitement of Santa Claus and presents.  The quiet is dramatic, marked by the purr of the refrigerator and the click of expanding and contracting metal in Read More

  • Maybe love is letting go

    A long, long time ago there was a really big meeting.  All of humanity was there.  God stood up at the front of the massive space that held all of us and said, “Hello, my beautiful and diverse creations. We are here today to discuss the matter of your becoming. Over the next several thousand years, I’m Read More

  • The golden cord

    Last year a wise friend said to me, “Michelle, it’s okay to hope for good things.”  I’ve spent most of my adult life releasing hope as a means of protecting myself from disappointment.  It’s actually a very efficient way to make oneself disappointed.  I now call it pre-disappointed.  It happens when I decide I will Read More

  • Hello, Anxiety. Who are you exactly?

    I read an article recently that suggested that when anxiety appears, you have a conversation with it.  Being the eager guinea pig that I am, I decided to give it a try and it was really helpful.  At the risk of revealing my inner crazy, I’m sharing it here. Me:  I think there are two Read More

  • That is what Christ would do

    A couple of weeks ago my sister came to visit.  We watched a movie that we had both seen before, but I hadn’t seen it for years and I didn’t even really remember the plot.  It’s a charming story that is a brilliant blend of the mundane with some time travel, the moral of which Read More

  • Walking is a prayer

    I was in a strange state the morning after my divorce finalized.  I felt deeply tired.  I felt angry about how it went with just a hint of giddiness that it was over.  I thought that many people would expect me to be happy.  I wasn’t.  I think at that moment I understood more than Read More

  • Benediction

    Remember that part at the end of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold goes on a rant about his boss?  That’s how I felt walking out of my divorce settlement conference tonight.  It’s over.  The papers are signed. The orders are written.  It’s over.  Hallelujah!  Holy shit!  Where’s the Tylenol? I wrote this last Read More

  • An open letter to my evolving self at Christmas time

    Dear Michelle, This is a hectic time in your brain.  Your divorce settlement meeting is looming next week.  Your patients are struggling as is typical around this time of year, with the holidays and the reduced daylight.  Because of the extra things going on, you are out of your routine with exercise and eating.  That Read More