That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • Practice makes practice

    When I was first learning to surf, my experienced-surfer friend, Clare, encouraged me to practice my pop-ups.  She recommended lying on my stomach on the living room floor and practicing the process of paddling, then pushing up and popping up.  The pop up is important in surfing and something most beginner surfers struggle with.  It’s Read More

  • Accelerated carousel of mommy guilt

    I’ve been kicking around ideas of what to write about all day today.  And now, as I am finally summoning the courage to write what I’ve been avoiding, I’ll probably get this posted about the time you are all headed to bed.  But no matter, it will be waiting for you bright and early Monday Read More

  • Just in case you ever feel ungrateful

    I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’m not thankful.  At least, I’m not thankful for probably 95% of my day.  I don’t walk around in a cloud of gratitude and satisfied bliss.  For all my talk about mindfulness and the positive spin I work to put on my life, I spend Read More

  • Rebellion in the sparkling line of costume gems

    When I was 17 my mom made me a prom dress.  It’s still one of my favorite pieces she has created, which is saying something because this is a woman who has spent thousands of hours behind a sewing machine.  Since before I was born, she sewed dresses for herself and my sisters and me.  Read More

  • Evictions and invitations

    After I wrote my last post I have been using, “I’m just going to dance,” as a mantra.  It’s been quite useful, but because life is what it is, it’s been a struggle to keep dancing. Just wanted to reality check that.  I’m still repeating, still working to do it.  I do feel like I’ve Read More

  • Stop worrying about the knitting and remember to dance

    These past couple of days I have been sensing a weird transition in myself.  It’s like I’m crossing a threshold into a new phase…and it feels good.  Strangely good.  This Cheryl Strayed quote comes to my mind often: “Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or Read More

  • Goodbye, friend

    Is it normal to cry when you say goodbye to something that has been a part of you for 17 years?  Probably so.  That’s almost half of my life.  I came home to Laramie, Wyoming for Thanksgiving break during my freshman year at BYU.  My dad took me to Burman Motors to test drive, what Read More

  • Removing cages

    I have wanted to write more about my wrestle with my faith, but it feels very vulnerable.  I am going to try to do that today and I hope, as readers, you will remember my post about the wound that is still healing.  I am in the middle of healing this wound, maybe even at Read More

  • The taste of freedom

    Since I started learning from Brené Brown, Cheryl Strayed, Elizabeth Gilbert, Glennon Doyle, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah, and Jody Moore (I could go on…), I feel like I’ve been shown the secret entrance to a club that I never knew existed.  A club where people openly acknowledged what I have known in my heart and been Read More

  • See! That tiny light is already glowing.

    R and I had an incredibly full and beautiful weekend together.  We spent a pristine Saturday morning at the beach.  The babies played while the adults took turns surfing.  The conditions were perfect.  Small, friendly waves.  Bright sun. Pleasantly warm, but not hot.  R palled around with his equally blond comrade, playing in the sand, Read More