That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • I am still here

    I made it home and I’ve been plunged back into my life of routine.  I am caring for my son, working, working out, responding to requests for help related to church, and running my household.  It’s been a little overwhelming.  The NIH experience, in some ways, felt like a monastic retreat.  I was able to Read More

  • Day 7: I’m still a recovering wall-builder, people! 

    This morning I woke up at 6am so I could shower and get some of my things packed before I caught the shuttle to NIH.  At first I was going to wear, what’s been my uniform for the last week—leggings, tennies, t-shirt and coat, but then I decided last minute to wear my new outfit Read More

  • Day 6: Can you tell I feel lighter? 

    I got through my last day of tests today! First thing, I had a third IV placed, this time in my right antecubital space (inside of the elbow).  This is radiology’s favorite place to put IVs and my least favorite because every time you bend your elbow it hurts, which is really annoying!  I had Read More

  • Day 5: Don’t fight the inhale!

    In Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown tells a story where she is presenting at a conference. In between scheduled events, Brené is talking with Roshi Joan Halifax and mentions that she feels like resting, but should probably go to the reception.  Roshi responds with the following: “Now it’s time to inhale. There is the in-breath Read More

  • Day 4: A wound that is in the process of healing

    The night before I traveled to Bethesda, I went to see my acupuncturist.  She is an incredible, Scottish woman  with multiple sclerosis.  Incidentally she is also a talented painter and has a wonderful mind.  I asked her for a last-minute appointment because when I woke up that day, the left side of my neck was Read More

  • Day 3: But then I decide—why not talk to Santa?!? 

    I am up at 6:15 today to get the taxi at 6:45 to the Clinical Center.  I arrive at the hospital before much is going on there.  First stop is phlebotomy.  I am taken back immediately into one of the phlebotomist cubicles.  She informs me that they only need a urine sample.  I don’t know Read More

  • Day 2: Some radioactive sugar and a protein breakfast

    I got a really good night’s sleep last night and woke up feeling pretty good at 6:30am.  I am in the lobby at 7am again, this time taking the NIH-ordered taxi to campus.  I have a study at 7:30am so I can’t wait for the shuttle.  The taxi pulls onto campus.  A security guard scans Read More

  • Day 1: Make a mess beautiful

    PREFACE:  This week I’ve decided to chronicle my NIH visit in detail.  My friends and family have been observing my NIH pilgrimages from a distance for years and are interested to know what it’s like.  I realize this may not be of interest to everyone and my entries will resume their regular flavor (whatever that Read More

  • Light in the kitchen

    I’m on my way to DC today.  This is the trip that I have normally approached with, at best, resignation, and at worst, dread.  It’s always difficult to describe the NIH experience to others. I’ll do my best here.  It starts with a cross-country flight.  I like flying into Reagan International Airport because I can get Read More

  • With a clear lens

    Today, I had an opportunity to exercise compassion for myself.  I decided after being mostly home sick for two days that I needed to get out.  I loaded up almost-three-year-old R in the car, which was hot from sitting out in the afternoon sun.  I gave him about three minutes of looking at gravel in Read More