That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • Hard Things

    Remember that time when you told me something hard was coming? That it wasn’t necessarily bad, but hard? I tucked that warning away. I waited. But how does one prepare for hard? So I went about my business. And then the first hard thing happened. It was hard but not hard enough for me to Read More

  • Fear, get out of the driver’s seat!

    Tonight I find myself on the couch.  It’s late.  I should be sleeping but my brain won’t be quiet.  I have learned that this is a signal I’ve been slacking on my mental hygiene.  By that, I mean that I haven’t been doing all of the practices I usually do to keep my mind uncluttered.  Read More

  • On being seen

    I’ve always been on the short side of normal height.  I never had a growth spurt where I was the tall kid for a few months.  As a result, I’ve always seen myself as small.  I used to feel self conscious about the size of my feet and hands.  I got my mother’s long fingers Read More

  • Relax into it

    I’m thinking about times and seasons today.  These natural transitions of seasons are like embedded mileposts marking my progress through time.  I am home sick in bed today with some terrible bronchitis/walking pneumonia concoction.  It’s not very often I have a day to lie in bed and the company of my pillows, the sunshine and Read More

  • I don’t remember

    I don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed.  It’s been a long time.  Too long.  I can picture it in my mind and I can even recall the rush somewhat, but the actual tactile sensation of lips and cheeks and tongue, of force and softness; that I can’t quite recall.  I long for Read More

  • Abyss

    I saw my marriage as something that I could hold together.  I believed if I could do enough things and work hard enough, I could create a happy marriage single handedly.  When I decided to end it, a huge part of my identity was taken from me.  In some ways this was extremely liberating.  I Read More

  • Shutting off the voice in my head

    I’ve just experienced an incredible week of quiet in my head.  I want to describe it so it can be documented in case it NEVER happens again.  I think I arrived at the quiet simply because I got so tired of listening to the argument between two versions of myself, that one or both sides Read More

  • That I would be good

    More than anything I want to be free. This is my quest: to learn what freedom is for me and to be free to be my most authentic version of myself. Read More