That I Would Be Free

Essays on identity, transition and quietly building a life that fits.

  • Show Me the Bars

    My request of myself, is to listen, especially to the stories that make me uncomfortable. And to let them work within me and teach me to walk with integrity. Show me the bars so I see the door, a way out, and I can fly away. Read More

  • I’m the bad guy…duh.

    I have to take a second to acknowledge how hard this post has been to write. I’ve been kicking the idea around in my head for months. I’ve talked it out with several people. I’ve written multiple drafts. That’s how laden the shadow is. It’s a dragon. It’s a snag. It’s mine. And it’s yours. Read More

  • Glowing water

    On Friday I got a text from Britta with a genius idea.  She proposed we meet at Mission Bay to paddle board in the bioluminescent red tide.  She pointed out it would be an appropriate, socially-distanced activity and something that would be freaking amazing.  I was completely in and so were three more of our Read More

  • It’s going to feel beautiful.

    This is not a blog post endorsing interior decorating or gnome jammies or impulse buys or Ingrid Michaelson fandom. Those things, all being worthy pursuits, are not the kind of beautiful I’m talking about. Read More

  • Ding Dong! Psychiatry’s at the Door

    Because this job (and life) can feel quite heavy at times, let me provide a little insight into how I smile and move through the week without being flattened. Read More

  • I Just Want to Feel Like My Old Self

    My brain wants to tell me that when things go back to normal, then I can be my old self again. But my old self isn’t waiting in the wings. She’s here with me right now. Read More

  • Forget Happiness!

    Last year I gave up on happiness and decided to start enjoying my life.  That’s right–forget happiness! And it’s been good.  I found peace in thoughts like, I get to live such a rich life.  Rich, alluding to the contrast.  And when I stopped trying to run down happiness, I had more space to notice Read More

  • An Open Letter to Dog People

    It seems there is an ongoing conversation in our culture about dog people versus cat people, but there is a much more covert group that lives on the fringes of either. Read More

  • Colored arrows pointing to black circles

    We look at the pet scan which shows a shadowy outline of my body containing the darkened shapes of liver, brain, kidneys, bladder (pee pee is funny :). Read More

  • “Embrace the incarnation.”

    It was shortly after this I realized that maybe I should just let myself be 36. Maybe I should let myself embrace the incarnation. Read More